Hope for The Fatherless Generation

Father's Day. 

I've already lost some of you. 
Actually, I've already lost most of you. 
The Fatherless Generation....... most of us.


STAY WITH ME.

Which means more Father's Day cards will be delivered by mail than by hand, or not at all.
Which means dads who didn't even know they were dads until it was too late will grieve.
Which means more children and fathers will be remembered rather than embraced this day.
Which means a great deal for the America we live in today.

STAY WITH ME.

I've learned a lot watching my husband father our children.

I've learned that men are created with an innate need to provide well for their families.
I've learned that it is God's plan for fathers to protect their children.
I've learned that our home runs best when I let my husband lead our family.
I've learned that a father's sense of responsibility and work ethic is noted by his children.
I've learned that dads need respect as much as moms need love.
I've learned that dads impact children with a greater sense of authority, courage, and integrity.
I've learned husbands are designed to depict Christ to the world is so many ways.

While I'm thankful and grateful for a husband who has been this model for our children, I had to learn to let go of the pain I was carrying from my own abandonment as a child in order to appreciate it.

So, I can relate to what some of you are thinking:

But my dad didn't......
But I never was given the chance to.....
If only she would have let me.....
If only he could have....
Boy, do I fall short....

You know by now, I'm not leaving you on a heavy note without hope.

SO STAY WITH ME.

Truth is..... it's still can be hard for me, too.

Which is the only reason I feel I can even come close to touching this.
I've been thinking about this for several years now.
And I'm watching it unfold before me.

The Fatherless Generation.

A generation largely....
Void of provision.
Void of protection.
Void of leadership.
Void of responsibility.
Void of work ethic.
Void of respect.
Void of authority.
Void of courage.
Void of integrity.
Void of Christ.

America.

Humbling, isn't it.
The Fatherless Generation.

This picture made me really think.
It made me think about what I made my own absent father look like.
What would your earthly father look like?

Loving and caring,
generous and selfless,
serving and strong,
providing and integral,
present and courageous,

or perhaps....

Absent or distant,
selfish or weak,
lazy or irresponsible,
disengaged or unconcerned,
lying or cheating,
harsh or angry.

There is also one more thing I have learned.
Often, our picture of our earthly father resembles our picture of our Heavenly Father too.

You see, that is where I went wrong.

I began to sketch out my own God out of my own circumstances. 
Not intentionally, but indirectly it happened over time. 
I sketched out a God that did not reflect my Heavenly Father at all.
And it is happening in homes all across America today.

Thankfully, I couldn't have been more wrong.

While my earthly father remained distant and removed,
I had a Heavenly Father who never, ever left my side. 
While my earthly father was disengaged and unconcerned,
I had a Heavenly Father who knew and cared about every single detail of my life.

Kids can live without dads.
Dads can live without kids.
But an entire nation with a wrong impression of who God is.... will tear itself apart.
We are watching it happen.
It is the one thing regardless of political party, religion, or race we can agree on these days.
Our nation is in need of transformation.

I can't help to feel that the crisis of integrity, leadership, and even economics that we find ourselves in doesn't somehow relate to the fact that millions of men either stepped away from or were denied the ability to do the very things they were designed to do:  provide, protect, lead, instill a sense of responsibility and work ethic, be respected, teach the virtues of authority, courage, integrity..... we're missing our image bearers of Christ, and are afraid of (or avoiding meeting) a God that is really not at all Who we've drawn Him up to be.

Sure, there are many other things that have played their part.  But really, how can the vast void of all of this, and the creation of so many unapproachable or vacant gods have not affected us.

I know guys struggle with what to do when they feel like a failure.
But, I also know that they are also designed with an desire to want to fix things.
Like fixing most things, we need to start with the only thing we can change... ourselves.

I don't know your story, but I know God can redeem all brokenness.
Your mess is not to big for Him, if you take it to Him.
Jesus is in the business of transforming lives, and we need transformation.
Only He can take things intended for evil, and turning it into something good.
No matter how you've drawn Him up, God wants to reveal the Truth of who He is.
Let Him begin to redeem your story.
Seize and prioritize opportunities to engage as a father.
Learn about what God wants a father to do and be, and become that.
There are always ways to tell your children you love them, you'll find a way if your looking.

(A special note to all the fathers of aborted children.  Abortion counsel is not just for women.  Men, many times the void of all that you were intended to be grows and intensifies with time.  Don't ignore it.  There are a rising number of both young and older men now seeking help to heal.  Help is available, seek it out.  If you had no say, or found out after the abortion.... my heart goes out to you.  Know that I have paused to pray for you all to find the courage to find someone that you can trust with your story.  Our nation needs you to heal, too.  You make up a big part of us.)

We are at the place in history, where every man who follows Christ could have dozens fatherless children and several fathers that he is sharing Truth with... and still there would be more.  But God's plan for discipleship only starts with one.  Who is that in your life?  Go find them, they seldom are brought to you.  Who will look back one day and thank you for being there for them?

Biological fathers taking every chance to be present and engaged.....  well done.
Fathers raising children that mothers have walked away from.... well done.
Fathers raising children that do not share your blood.....  well done.
Fathers walking alongside other fathers in Truth..... well done.
Fathers speaking into lives of the fatherless...  well done.
Fathers deciding to turn it around..... well done.
You are helping heal this nation.
One life at a time.

It is so much deeper than just your home, guys.
Fathers, we need you..... all of you, desperately.
Reconcile with as many family members as you can.
Step up to be what you were created to be.
Teach them what God designed you to do best.

Provide, protect, lead, display responsibility and good work ethic, be worthy of respect, teach the virtues of authority, courage, integrity..... be an image bearer of Christ to our needy world.

There a billions of stories out there yet to be told.
Each one is as unique as each man is. 
Share yours with someone.
Listen to someone else's.
Begin to heal a nation.
In your home.

20 Things I Wish I Would Have Known When I Graduated....

I'm about to do something I never expected do..... list blog.   (*gasp*) 
Many of you seem to be incredibly fond (and mildly addicted) to them.
I confess (*sigh*) that I really am not.
However, it seemed like the best fit for this post.

By now most graduation ceremonies and celebrations are now in the history books for the year... the excitement and checklists lists have settled down, silly square hats worn and thrown, cards are opened, hugs, flowers and congratulations have been exchanged among the loved ones.... plans both of the known and unknown shared about future hopes and dreams.

And now sit many graduates are with temporarily heavier wallets and likely daily contemplations of what to do with the short amount of time left to "live it up" before leaving for school, or beginning military training..... or before all other friends all leave town if you are staying local.

This is the first time in a decade that I haven't been surrounded by conversations with young adults entering into, exiting out of, or in the middle of this defining season of life.  I love and miss those talks.  Although we can't speak face to face, I extend my congratulations to you, and hope this little list blog may encourage you find or follow Christ along your journey.

20 Things I wish I would have known when I graduated:


You are in the most defining season of your life.  So many decisions are made in early adulthood that will forever affect your life.  Beyond just choosing a career or major.  It is the season where most people meet their future spouse, where many lifelong habits or addictions are often formed, and for many their faith becomes either real, found, or abandoned.

Your choices will now have lifelong consequences now.  Sex, alcohol, and drugs..... they have the power to create, change, or end life.  Before now, you most likely had to seek this out in secret... now, they will be seeking you out regularly in public.  The consequences of your choices in these areas may, might, perhaps could, will affect your future spouse and your children.

Sin affects those around you.  In a world consumed with self, do not forget that your wrong choices never only affect you.

Don't dread the drudgery, expect it.  No one lands their ideal career job right off the bat, expect to start somewhere less than your perfect ideal.  God is far more interested in building your character through the mundane daily things that you'll be tempted to otherwise put off.  Do them.

Work hard.  Toward your grades, in your jobs, in boot camp, wherever you end up.  The Lord says that when we are faithful with a little He gives us more.  Learn to be faithful with a little.

Debate is good, but attack is bad.  God intended us to learn from one another, be open to that-- but don't be so set on being right that you would attack the character of another person.

Choose a major or a job.  Do it.  Sure it's hard to, but find something to aspire to.  It's okay that you are not 100% sure of it, select something anyway..... I have adults every day on my newsfeed that are still taking quizzes to tell them all about who they are and what they should be.  It is a lot to be confident in as a young adult. That's okay, but pick something..... it's time.

Quit thinking God is only on one path, and you may miss it.  He is the God that holds the whole universe in order.... I'm quite certain He frequents both Yale and Harvard.  = ) Be far more concerned that on one path He there is wanting to pour out His favor and blessing (as a result of your choices and obedience), and that He is on the other path as well--arms wide open and willing to redeem any mess you've gotten into.  He isn't on one path and not the other.  It only matters that you seek Him on whichever path your on.

Don't be afraid of the hard times.  You will face trials of many kinds, some will be your fault and some won't.  All are intended to grow you in character and maturity.  Quit hoping for a fair world.  It never has been, and never will be.  Learn to make the best of the hard times, they will come.

God is not an instant God.  We live in an instant world, we desire results immediately... God is not that way.  Don't feel like He's less present, less caring, or less capable because you aren't seeing Him work in your timeframe. 

Find a church.  Believer or not, find a church to connect with... and invite someone to go with you.  For me as an unbeliever then, this was only a few times a year for a college student meal.  I'm glad I went.  Volunteer.  Drink free coffee.  Ponder God.  Awaken your faith as your own.  Go.

Things will never be the same.  It's true.... but don't fear it.  I've never met an adult who ever wished they were back in the drama of high school.

Call your parents.  More often than you think you should.  Do it.  Keep saying I love you.  You are almost to the point in life where you'll realize that they were right about far more than you ever imagined.

Stop the serial dating.  Most of you did this through high school.  Bouncing from one relationship to the next.  Stop it.  Be single for a while.  Be picky about who you want to date.  Girls, let him chase you for a while.... there is a good chance he may be your future spouse or in the way of your future spouse.... either way, you won't regret him learning how to pursue you.  Guys-quit the hookups, they mess with the rest of your life.

Seize opportunities to volunteer.  As often as they come.  Change your little part of this big world.

Focus on one thing at a time.  Give each experience your full attention.

Put your phone down and talk to people.  Your likely addicted to online browsing or texting to pass time.  Be intentional about putting the screens away.  Talk to someone around you instead, look into their eyes. As you do and your day will be far better.  Laugh.  Often.  Especially during finals.

And lastly, but most importantly my top three.... 

Run TO God with your pain, not AWAY from Him.  Heartache, trial, failure, defeat, depression, loneliness, regret...... turn to Him in all of it.  He already knows about it anyway--let him be your comfort.

Ask someone you respect to be your mentor.  Seek them out.  Tell them you'd like to trust their confidence and lean on their advice from time to time.  Stay in touch with them.

Turn around.  It doesn't matter how far you've turned away, when you decide to turn around, Jesus meets you right there.  But only you can choose to turn yourself around.  Do it, don't wait.



Well there you have it.  Many of you already know the love I hold in my heart for college students and young adults.  It is a privilege to be able to speak into your lives.  Embrace the season that you are in.  It is special.  You are about to learn more about yourself than you ever cared to know.  You are not a child anymore..... own your faults, work on your weaknesses, and cultivate your strengths.  Find Jesus.  Follow Him, and the rest will fall into place.




Side note....

Parents, know I am praying for you.  Parenting adult children is not easy, but stay engaged.  Open your hands, but trust your gut.  Recently Stormie Omartin has been posting some great encouragement on her FB page from her book The Power of Praying for Adult Children.  Looks to be a great resource.  As I see her posts, I pray for you as parents.  May be worth "liking" her on FB.

Daring to push past "I'm sorry" when you've really blown it with your kids.....

Alright, I promised here that we'd talk about the parenting side of it....... yup, spoken lies.  Those things people have said about you that somehow work their way into the fabric of your identity, even though they are completely false.  So, today, let's think specifically on wounding words from a parenting perspective..... this is huge and sneaks into almost every family when things are tense.

What do you tend to do when life seems overwhelming or difficult?  What kind of thoughts run through your mind?  How do you react when your child is angry or defiant?  Do you tend to get angry and yell, or do you freeze and say nothing and brood in your mind, or become frightened and give in, or escape and ignore?  Specifically, what kinds of words come naturally to your tongue? 

You will never amount to anything!
You always make such a mess of things!
You're such a moron!
Knock it off.... stop it!
You should know better than that!
Man, you can't do anything right!
Leave me alone-you always give me such a headache.
Your absolutely worthless.
That's it- I don't want to talk about it again!
You never learn, do you?
You can't wear that!
If I want anything done right around here, I have to do it myself.
That'll never work!
You know what I think, so don't even ask!
There, you've done it again!
Stop it!  I have a splitting headache.
I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!
You never listen!

So many parental reactions begin with lines like these.
And typically, they are only the beginning of many hurtful words said in anger.
Which one made you twinge with guilt or feel uneasy as you read it?
Which one might your kids say is your go-to reaction line?
Reread the list and figure it out..... listen for them.
Identifying it may just may help you hit the pause button the next time things become tense.

Either way, more than likely we waver on one extreme or the other when parenting gets tough.  And more than likely, the majority of our natural reactions were shaped long before our parenting journey ever began.  In fact, I recently read that our daily working adult vocabularies are almost completely formed by age two. 

Wow.  Age two.
Seems hopeless then right?

Not really......

Every single one of us has an earthly lineage. 

At one point, we were all dependent upon someone to show us how to do life.  Even if they didn't recognize or step up to the responsibility, we still were learning.  We learned how to eat, speak, act, and react.  Earthly lineages all have one thing in common:  Regardless of how perfect someone else's seems, they are all laced with sin. 

Every.  single.  one.  of.  us.

None of us came from a perfect home.
None of us live in one today.
We are all equal sinners at the foot of the cross.

We all feel it.
We have our moments.
Our reactions are sinful.
Some of us spew.
Some of us brood.
Some of us ignore.
But we all are guilty.

And, we all need encouragement in HUGE doses.  Especially when we screw up, or are trying to learn something new. 

But somehow, it seems this is often the time the enemy of my soul sends these phrases on a journey from the back of my memory to the tip of my tongue at lighting fast speed.  These often are the moments in which I'm trying to do life on my own strength, and just wanting things to go my way.  And they seldom do.  I know this.  Yet the tone of my voice, spewed reactive words, and an unforgiving and unapproachable disposition show in these moments I'm still desperately reaching for the one thing that is unreachable.......... control.

Control.
And it's out of reach every single time.
Because it was never intended to be within my grasp.
Yet, I reach for it.
You reach for it.

We throw those silent expectations of ourselves as parents right out the window.... to protect them from anything that would hurt them, to give them what was best, maybe perhaps the life that we never had, we vowed we would never  do this or that, we promised to always be there for them, that they could tell us anything, that we would never hurt them.

Yet somehow in one moment....
Over something that doesn't even matter at all.......
The little sinner in them ignites the big sinner in us......
And we feel anger toward the very little things that we hold so dear......
And out of nowhere that same cozy intentional protective parent
Blows, or broods, or stews, or ignores and becomes:
A lie planter....
A spirit breaker....
A dream crusher.....
....and when they cool off, we all know it.


Didn't know we were signing up for this, did we?
Broken our childish naïve "I will never do that..." vows.
Parenting is incredibly hard.

So before we fall into mommy guilt overload, let's just really be honest and ask ourselves.... how's it really working?  What's a parent to do?

I mean, sure I can get my way.
Sin and all.
But at the end of the day, it's still evil.
And evil always brings destruction and death.
Eventually.

So what do you do in moments like these? 
Do you wear the "parent badge" and justify your sin? 
Do you pray and ask forgiveness? 
Do you apologize, and then just repeat again later?

I'm no expert.  But look around.  Our world is busy.  Rushed.  Hurried.  Stressed Out. 

Angry parents are no longer the abnormal, it is now abnormal to see a parent not stressed out.  In fact if they are not stressed out, they are likely checked out.  Parents are reactive today, not proactive....   And the more reactive we are, the more lies the enemy taunts us to feed our children..... which means our kids are feasting on them.  One by one, parental insults and wounds that slowly mound up to insecurities that will affect their daily adult lives.  Sure, some of them seem harmless to say.... but think about how harmless they feel.

And so many of us are spoon feeding our kids tiny little lies daily.

So how do we replace these lies with truth?

You know I am no licensed expert.
I have no fancy degrees on the wall.
In fact quite the opposite.

However, in Christ....
I can share with you how I follow Jesus in moments like these.
I can share with you how I bring the gospel, the good news, to my kids after I've blown it.
I can share with you that our kids need it just as much as we do.
I can share with you how I tap into my spiritual lineage to overcome the sin patterns of my earthly lineage.
I can share with you that it is working to redeem the lies I've feed my own kids as a parent.

Redemption is beautiful.

Okay, story time:

A couple years ago as I was pondering what my role as a parent looked like to "spiritually train" my children, when God placed something very simple on my heart.  You bring the good news to them.... over and over and over.  At first, I thought that this was as simple as making sure they understood what Jesus did for them..... after all, that is the good news--the gospel.  Then I went and made it all difficult and unrealistic thoughts of family devotions (You know-- the thing that young dad is "suppose" to know how to structure and lead even though young mom has every detailed idea of what it's "suppose" to look like.... and yes-your young family is "supposedly" failing miserably it even though no one has actually said it..... yup, those) and anyway... insecurity hit big time.  The more I thought about it, the more intimidated I got.

Been there?
There's hope.

Sometime later on, after I'd spoken harshly to one of the kids, I found myself on my knees before God asking first for His forgiveness, and taking some time to cool down before going to apologize.  That was my messy routine:  Blow up-- cool down-- pray up-- apologize-- repeat.... (Can anyone relate?)  I prayed a simple prayer that I'd prayed many times, but this time it changed my parenting forever.  Lord, help me to go make this right.  His answer caught my attention.... YOU can't.

YOU can't....

     What do you mean I can't?

YOU can't, but I can.

     I know you can, Lord. 

God wasn't saying I shouldn't apologize.
He wasn't saying what I had done was unforgivable.
He wasn't saying I should throw in the towel and give up.
He wasn't saying reconciliation was hopeless.
That's not the character of God.

I humbled myself, yet again, and went and found the child I had crushed and began to apologize...
It started as my typical parenting apology.....

I'm sorry I became angry and spoke harshly to you. 

      It's ok.... (face disagreeing.)

I know how I spoke to you was wrong, mommies make mistakes too.

      I know..... (shared comfort in knowing we both blew it.)

I've asked Jesus to forgive me, can you forgive me too? 

      Yes.  (Softening a little....)

So, what can we do different so this doesn't happen again next time?

       Well, I can try to.....  

That's when it began to hit me deeper..... YOU can't.  My child extended forgiveness and began to rewalk the situation, but my mind began to race.  That feeling when you know change is upon you... but you can't define exactly how just yet.  God at work.  It began to hit me that on our own strength we can do nothing to guarantee that sin won't affect us "next time."  Sure, it's important to rewalk situations with children to help them learn what they can change in their choices.... but God was showing me what I was missing. 

I was relying on my own words.
I had been operating on my own strength.
I was hoping I could choose better next time.
I was tapping into the blood of Christ for forgiveness.....
BUT, I had never tapped into the truth to breathe life into the wounding words I'd spoke.

You bring the good news to them.... over and over and over.

YOU can't.... but I can.

       I know you can, Lord.

       Show me how. 

In Christ, we have no reason to fear the hard times..... in parenting, in marriage, or in life.  I realize that it is in the hard times that more faith is required, and more teachable moments appear.  We teach our children far more about what really matters in life during difficult days than during the compliant days.  Because in these days they see our dependency on God, they see our strength is not enough, they see we can't do it on our own..... and they realize their own need for The Lord.

This is what I was missing in the aftermath of my "mama has really blown it" moments.....

Truth.
The gospel.
The good news.
Life giving words.

I didn't get it then, but I am beginning to get it now. 
You see, this is more than a story about the God-man dying on a cross to pay for sin. 
It's a story that includes you and me..... and all of our kids.
A promise that from the beginning of time there has been plan and a purpose for our lives.
It is the ultimate triumph over evil with perfect good.
A guarantee that all that the enemy wanted to use for bad, God can use for good.
I know no other man that can promise and deliver such things.

Life giving words.
The good news.
The gospel.
Truth.

When we become a new creation in Christ, we also acquire a spiritual lineage.

So in Christ, we have a spiritual lineage as well as an earthly lineage.  Which means..... I can choose to walk in my earthly lineage full of reactions and sin.  Or...... I can tap into my spiritual lineage in Christ and breathe life into the destruction.

So what does this look like for us?

After I get upset and say things I really don't mean that are hurtful....

I don't stop at I'm sorry.
I don't stop after rewalking.
I don't stop after asking forgiveness.
It's not over when I've cooled down.
It's not over when I've prayed....

It's not over until I bring the good news to them.

I share the incredible story that before time even began, that there was a plan for their little life....
And it is written by the God that created the whole world....
The giver of every heartbeat, and controller of all the heavens and waters.....
And there is a purpose here that only they can fulfill......
Their own special part of a divine plan to help grow His kingdom...
A kingdom where we cannot cause one another hurt or pain....
Like the pain I just caused you.
Which is why God sent His Son, Jesus for us....
Because no matter how hard we try....
We blow it.
We make mistakes.
We say things that hurt others.
Even some times to those who matter most to us.
And God knows, and understands, and willingly forgives us if we ask.
Isn't that good news?
I've asked Him to forgive me, can you?
You want to know more great news?
And then I tell them a few of my favorites off of here...... such as:
You are wonderfully made in the very image of God.....
His plans for you have a hope and future....
I'm sorry I said something that would make you doubt any of that.
Your an incredible kid, and God trusted me with the incredible task of raising you...
And I'm going to mess up a million times....
But you know what else?????
Then I'm gonna bring you good news.... a million and one.


My words may heal... or wound.
My prayer may be powerful.... or ineffective.
My choices may help.... or hurt.
But Jesus Christ always bring healing, help, power, and life.


So the real question is: 

What do we have to loose by bringing the good news to our kids when we've blown it as a parent?  

Nothing.  It is all gain.  Yet, we often try to bring them the good news at the "good" times in an idealistic "family devotion" kind of way.  Yet, Jesus brought the good news to the hurting, and met them right where they were at in the middle of their pain and suffering. 

Following Jesus isn't conditional.
He wants us in the trenches for Him.
Even (and especially) the ones we've dug ourselves. 
Dare to push past and earthly I'm sorry.
And reach for the one thing that is always reachable....
Good news.

You bring the good news to them.... over and over and over.

YOU can't.... but I can.

       I know you can, Lord.

       Show me how. 

I believe I have taught more about Christ to my children in the moments that go terribly wrong, than the moments that seem smooth.  Every time I blow it I have an opportunity to bring the gospel to them.  When their little lives seem so hard, and when my words have wounded them to doubt who they really are.... He gives me the incredible privilege of bringing them good news and breathing life back into their broken little spirits..... by bringing the good news to them. 

And it's working.
It holds my marriage together.
It holds my little family together.
It points them to the One who can fix what I can't.
It is showing my kids following Christ is far more than being obedient.
It assures us all of who we are in His eyes, so we treat one another better.
It is the ultimate reminder that control cannot be grasped by anyone but God.
It stops the eye rolling of children seeing right through otherwise false parental promises.

And best of all, it kicks unrealistic mommy guilt right back into the pit where it belongs.