Alright, I promised here that we'd talk about the parenting side of it....... yup, spoken lies. Those things people have said about you that somehow work their way into the fabric of your identity, even though they are completely false. So, today, let's think specifically on wounding words from a parenting perspective..... this is huge and sneaks into almost every family when things are tense.
What do you tend to do when life seems overwhelming or difficult? What kind of thoughts run through your mind? How do you react when your child is angry or defiant? Do you tend to get angry and yell, or do you freeze and say nothing and brood in your mind, or become frightened and give in, or escape and ignore? Specifically, what kinds of words come naturally to your tongue?
You will never amount to anything!
You always make such a mess of things!
You're such a moron!
Knock it off.... stop it!
You should know better than that!
Man, you can't do anything right!
Leave me alone-you always give me such a headache.
Your absolutely worthless.
That's it- I don't want to talk about it again!
You never learn, do you?
You can't wear that!
If I want anything done right around here, I have to do it myself.
That'll never work!
You know what I think, so don't even ask!
There, you've done it again!
Stop it! I have a splitting headache.
I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!
You never listen!
So many parental reactions begin with lines like these.
And typically, they are only the beginning of many hurtful words said in anger.
Which one made you twinge with guilt or feel uneasy as you read it?
Which one might your kids say is your go-to reaction line?
Reread the list and figure it out..... listen for them.
Identifying it may just may help you hit the pause button the next time things become tense.
Either way, more than likely we waver on one extreme or the other when parenting gets tough. And more than likely, the majority of our natural reactions were shaped long before our parenting journey ever began. In fact, I recently read that our daily working adult vocabularies are almost completely formed by age two.
Wow. Age two.
Seems hopeless then right?
Not really......
Every single one of us has an earthly lineage.
At one point, we were all dependent upon someone to show us how to do life. Even if they didn't recognize or step up to the responsibility, we still were learning. We learned how to eat, speak, act, and react. Earthly lineages all have one thing in common: Regardless of how perfect someone else's seems, they are all laced with sin.
Every. single. one. of. us.
None of us came from a perfect home.
None of us live in one today.
We are all equal sinners at the foot of the cross.
We all feel it.
We have our moments.
Our reactions are sinful.
Some of us spew.
Some of us brood.
Some of us ignore.
But we all are guilty.
And, we all need encouragement in HUGE doses. Especially when we screw up, or are trying to learn something new.
But somehow, it seems this is often the time the enemy of my soul sends these phrases on a journey from the back of my memory to the tip of my tongue at lighting fast speed. These often are the moments in which I'm trying to do life on my own strength, and just wanting things to go my way. And they seldom do. I know this. Yet the tone of my voice, spewed reactive words, and an unforgiving and unapproachable disposition show in these moments I'm still desperately reaching for the one thing that is unreachable.......... control.
Control.
And it's out of reach every single time.
Because it was never intended to be within my grasp.
Yet, I reach for it.
You reach for it.
We throw those silent expectations of ourselves as parents right out the window.... to protect them from anything that would hurt them, to give them what was best, maybe perhaps the life that we never had, we vowed we would never do this or that, we promised to always be there for them, that they could tell us anything, that we would never hurt them.
Yet somehow in one moment....
Over something that doesn't even matter at all.......
The little sinner in them ignites the big sinner in us......
And we feel anger toward the very little things that we hold so dear......
And out of nowhere that same cozy intentional protective parent
Blows, or broods, or stews, or ignores and becomes:
A lie planter....
A spirit breaker....
A dream crusher.....
....and when they cool off, we all know it.
Didn't know we were signing up for this, did we?
Broken our childish naïve "I will never do that..." vows.
Parenting is incredibly hard.
So before we fall into mommy guilt overload, let's just really be honest and ask ourselves.... how's it really working? What's a parent to do?
I mean, sure I can get my way.
Sin and all.
But at the end of the day, it's still evil.
And evil always brings destruction and death.
Eventually.
So what do you do in moments like these?
Do you wear the "parent badge" and justify your sin?
Do you pray and ask forgiveness?
Do you apologize, and then just repeat again later?
I'm no expert. But look around. Our world is busy. Rushed. Hurried. Stressed Out.
Angry parents are no longer the abnormal, it is now abnormal to see a parent not stressed out. In fact if they are not stressed out, they are likely checked out. Parents are reactive today, not proactive.... And the more reactive we are, the more lies the enemy taunts us to feed our children..... which means our kids are feasting on them. One by one, parental insults and wounds that slowly mound up to insecurities that will affect their daily adult lives. Sure, some of them seem harmless to say.... but think about how harmless they feel.
And so many of us are spoon feeding our kids tiny little lies daily.
So how do we replace these lies with truth?
You know I am no licensed expert.
I have no fancy degrees on the wall.
In fact quite the opposite.
However, in Christ....
I can share with you how I follow Jesus in moments like these.
I can share with you how I bring the gospel, the good news, to my kids after I've blown it.
I can share with you that our kids need it just as much as we do.
I can share with you how I tap into my spiritual lineage to overcome the sin patterns of my earthly lineage.
I can share with you that it is working to redeem the lies I've feed my own kids as a parent.
Redemption is beautiful.
Okay, story time:
A couple years ago as I was pondering what my role as a parent looked like to "spiritually train" my children, when God placed something very simple on my heart. You bring the good news to them.... over and over and over. At first, I thought that this was as simple as making sure they understood what Jesus did for them..... after all, that is the good news--the gospel. Then I went and made it all difficult and unrealistic thoughts of family devotions (You know-- the thing that young dad is "suppose" to know how to structure and lead even though young mom has every detailed idea of what it's "suppose" to look like.... and yes-your young family is "supposedly" failing miserably it even though no one has actually said it..... yup, those) and anyway... insecurity hit big time. The more I thought about it, the more intimidated I got.
Been there?
There's hope.
Sometime later on, after I'd spoken harshly to one of the kids, I found myself on my knees before God asking first for His forgiveness, and taking some time to cool down before going to apologize. That was my messy routine: Blow up-- cool down-- pray up-- apologize-- repeat.... (Can anyone relate?) I prayed a simple prayer that I'd prayed many times, but this time it changed my parenting forever. Lord, help me to go make this right. His answer caught my attention.... YOU can't.
YOU can't....
What do you mean I can't?
YOU can't, but I can.
I know you can, Lord.
God wasn't saying I shouldn't apologize.
He wasn't saying what I had done was unforgivable.
He wasn't saying I should throw in the towel and give up.
He wasn't saying reconciliation was hopeless.
That's not the character of God.
I humbled myself, yet again, and went and found the child I had crushed and began to apologize...
It started as my typical parenting apology.....
I'm sorry I became angry and spoke harshly to you.
It's ok.... (face disagreeing.)
I know how I spoke to you was wrong, mommies make mistakes too.
I know..... (shared comfort in knowing we both blew it.)
I've asked Jesus to forgive me, can you forgive me too?
Yes. (Softening a little....)
So, what can we do different so this doesn't happen again next time?
Well, I can try to.....
That's when it began to hit me deeper..... YOU can't. My child extended forgiveness and began to rewalk the situation, but my mind began to race. That feeling when you know change is upon you... but you can't define exactly how just yet. God at work. It began to hit me that on our own strength we can do nothing to guarantee that sin won't affect us "next time." Sure, it's important to rewalk situations with children to help them learn what they can change in their choices.... but God was showing me what I was missing.
I was relying on my own words.
I had been operating on my own strength.
I was hoping I could choose better next time.
I was tapping into the blood of Christ for forgiveness.....
BUT, I had never tapped into the truth to breathe life into the wounding words I'd spoke.
You bring the good news to them.... over and over and over.
YOU can't.... but I can.
I know you can, Lord.
Show me how.
In Christ, we have no reason to fear the hard times..... in parenting, in marriage, or in life. I realize that it is in the hard times that more faith is required, and more teachable moments appear. We teach our children far more about what really matters in life during difficult days than during the compliant days. Because in these days they see our dependency on God, they see our strength is not enough, they see we can't do it on our own..... and they realize their own need for The Lord.
This is what I was missing in the aftermath of my "mama has really blown it" moments.....
Truth.
The gospel.
The good news.
Life giving words.
I didn't get it then, but I am beginning to get it now.
You see, this is more than a story about the God-man dying on a cross to pay for sin.
It's a story that includes you and me..... and all of our kids.
A promise that from the beginning of time there has been plan and a purpose for our lives.
It is the ultimate triumph over evil with perfect good.
A guarantee that all that the enemy wanted to use for bad, God can use for good.
I know no other man that can promise and deliver such things.
Life giving words.
The good news.
The gospel.
Truth.
When we become a new creation in Christ, we also acquire a spiritual lineage.
So in Christ, we have a spiritual lineage as well as an earthly lineage. Which means..... I can choose to walk in my earthly lineage full of reactions and sin. Or...... I can tap into my spiritual lineage in Christ and breathe life into the destruction.
So what does this look like for us?
After I get upset and say things I really don't mean that are hurtful....
I don't stop at I'm sorry.
I don't stop after rewalking.
I don't stop after asking forgiveness.
It's not over when I've cooled down.
It's not over when I've prayed....
It's not over until I bring the good news to them.
I share the incredible story that before time even began, that there was a plan for their little life....
And it is written by the God that created the whole world....
The giver of every heartbeat, and controller of all the heavens and waters.....
And there is a purpose here that only they can fulfill......
Their own special part of a divine plan to help grow His kingdom...
A kingdom where we cannot cause one another hurt or pain....
Like the pain I just caused you.
Which is why God sent His Son, Jesus for us....
Because no matter how hard we try....
We blow it.
We make mistakes.
We say things that hurt others.
Even some times to those who matter most to us.
And God knows, and understands, and willingly forgives us if we ask.
Isn't that good news?
I've asked Him to forgive me, can you?
You want to know more great news?
And then I tell them a few of my favorites off of here...... such as:
You are wonderfully made in the very image of God.....
His plans for you have a hope and future....
I'm sorry I said something that would make you doubt any of that.
Your an incredible kid, and God trusted me with the incredible task of raising you...
And I'm going to mess up a million times....
But you know what else?????
Then I'm gonna bring you good news.... a million and one.
My words may heal... or wound.
My prayer may be powerful.... or ineffective.
My choices may help.... or hurt.
But Jesus Christ always bring healing, help, power, and life.
So the real question is:
What do we have to loose by bringing the good news to our kids when we've blown it as a parent?
Nothing. It is all gain. Yet, we often try to bring them the good news at the "good" times in an idealistic "family devotion" kind of way. Yet, Jesus brought the good news to the hurting, and met them right where they were at in the middle of their pain and suffering.
Following Jesus isn't conditional.
He wants us in the trenches for Him.
Even (and especially) the ones we've dug ourselves.
Dare to push past and earthly I'm sorry.
And reach for the one thing that is always reachable....
Good news.
You bring the good news to them.... over and over and over.
YOU can't.... but I can.
I know you can, Lord.
Show me how.
I believe I have taught more about Christ to my children in the moments that go terribly wrong, than the moments that seem smooth. Every time I blow it I have an opportunity to bring the gospel to them. When their little lives seem so hard, and when my words have wounded them to doubt who they really are.... He gives me the incredible privilege of bringing them good news and breathing life back into their broken little spirits..... by bringing the good news to them.
And it's working.
It holds my marriage together.
It holds my little family together.
It points them to the One who can fix what I can't.
It is showing my kids following Christ is far more than being obedient.
It assures us all of who we are in His eyes, so we treat one another better.
It is the ultimate reminder that control cannot be grasped by anyone but God.
It stops the eye rolling of children seeing right through otherwise false parental promises.
And best of all, it kicks unrealistic mommy guilt right back into the pit where it belongs.
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